I must tell stories.

By the way, naglipat-bahay pala ako.

I blog at vivakolehiyala now. Dunno if this is just one of my “let’s make a new blog” fits but it’s been a good run so far, with 20+ posts, and it’s been around for maybe a month. Anyway, come see me there! :)

I have no words and no mind for this article. Sometimes I think I hate writing. Or that I am just really stupid.

I ate up my chocolate stash. I painted my nails pink. I missed class and went home and rolled around on my parents’ King-size bed. But none of these worked. Only you can make me smile again.

You will never be mine, I get that now.

Reasons.

I haven’t had my laundry done. I mean, I did, I think, but I went to Camiguin last week and that trip kind of messed up all my clothes and I don’t know which are clean and which aren’t. This messes with my mojo in ways I don’t understand.

I am still sick. I have been sick since the concert and that was three weeks ago. I want to get better, soon, please. The meds make me groggy and the snot and the cough makes me wilted and cranky and sucks the lifeblood out of me.

My schedule is in complete tangles. I have meetings and practices and classes and congress and EVERYTHING, everything is so impossibly overlapped and packed and I am tired.

I haven’t stayed at home very much and they’re letting me know it, they’re trying to tell me to slow down and stop and come home, but I can’t, there is so much at stake, but I want to, I really do, to go swimming with my father and make dumb jokes with my brother and get my mom’s hugs and sleep in my own bed, I am tired of to-do lists and long trips and people who don’t seem to care.

I miss you. I look for you on street corners, in classrooms, in my news feed, in my inbox, every day, always. I wait for you, and you stand me up every time. Every single time. Did you really give up already? I am asking you to take a leap of faith, is that so much? Or maybe there is really nothing, no matter what I or everyone else thought, and I am wishing on nothing.

And so thus are the reasons, nay, excuses, why I am dysfunctional lately. I’m sorry to have hurt or let down anybody. I promise to try to cheer up soon.

Maraming namamatay kapag August. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

Si Sir Ramon, isa sa mga charter members ng Bible Baptist Church, namayapa noong Sabado. Kahapon, sa isang memorial service sa St. Peter’s Chapel kung saan siya nakaburol, nakaupo ako sa silya habang nakikinig kay Pastor tungkol kay Abraham, kung paano niya inialay ang buhay niya sa pananampalataya at pagsunod sa Diyos, at kung paano si Sir Ramon maihahalintulad sa kanya. Iniisip ko noon, hindi lang salita yun, totoo yun. Hanggang sa mga huling araw niya, hanggang sa Linggo bago siya isinugod sa ospital, makikita mo siya sa simbahan, nasa may likod, sa kanyang wheelchair, katabi nung caregiver niyang lalaki. Palagi ko siya nadadaanan galing Sunday School papunta sa orchestra, at nagbabatian kami ng “good morning”. At dahil sa walang sawa niya pananampalataya, tinanggap nung caregiver niya si Hesus, ngayong taon din lang na ito. Isipin mo, kung inisip ni Sir Ramon na masyado na siyang mahina para magsimba, hindi makakarinig ng salita ng Diyos yung caregiver niya. At sa totoo lang, matagal na siyang mahina. Nage-elevator na siya paakyat ng auditorium. Nakikita ko, kapag pauwi, pagsakay ng taxi, tulung-tulong ang mga umaalalay sa kanya dahil hindi na niya kayang suportahan ang sarili. Pero sa kagustuhan niyang maglagi sa bahay ng Panginoon, hanggang sa huli nandoon pa rin siya, at naging daan pa siya para sa kaligtasan ng isang kaluluwa.

Namatay din si Sec. Robredo. Pagkabalita ko nito, alalang-alala ako dahil isa pa naman siya sa mga nakikitang kong public servant na talagang totoong naglilingkod, mula pa noong alkalde siya ng Naga—alam ko ito dahil taga-Bikol ang tatay ko at sa Naga nakatira ang tita ko. At noong lumabas na ang balita kaninang umaga na nahanap na ang katawan niya 180 talampakan sa ilalim ng dagat, naiyak ako, sa lungkot, sa panghihinayang. Bakit ang mabubuti pang mga tao ang kinukuha ngayon, kung kailan araw-araw mas kinakailangan natin sila?

Isa pa, yung isang piloto ni Robredo, si Capt. Jessup Bahinting. Ayon sa mga ulat, isa din daw siyang maka-Diyos at matulunging tao. Kada may sakuna saan man sa Pilipinas, nandoon siya para sumali sa relief operations. Kakaunti lang ang mga taong may ganung klaseng malasakit sa iba.

Pero ayun sa asawa ni Capt. Bahinting, minsan hindi daw talaga natin maintindihan kung bakit dumadating ang mga ganitong klaseng krisis sa buhay natin, pero parating may dahilan ang Diyos. Napansin daw nila na dahil sa insidenteng nangyari, nakikilala ang mabubuting gawain ng asawa niya.

Ayun sa isang essay ng anak ni Sec. Robredo na si Aika na isinulat niya nung high school pa siya, tinitingala niya ang ama higit sa lahat dahil ito ay mapagkumbaba at tapat na nagsisilbi, at hindi kaila sa kanya ang bigyang-pansin kahit ang mga pinakamaliit na mga bagay para sa kanilang pamilya niya at para sa mga pinaglilingkuran niya.

At ayun kay Pastor, si Sir Ramon ay isang taong handang makita ang Diyos, dahil ang buhay niya dito sa mundo’y nailaan niya na para sa tama at mabuti, at naghihintay na para sa kanya ang buhay niyang magpakailan man kasama ang Panginoon.

Sa haba ng minuni ko ang hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit sadyang maraming nangangamatay kapag Agosto, at hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit mabubuting tao pa ang kinuha. Pero napaalalahanan akong ang buhay ay panandalian, at ang sandaling iyon ay dapat nating gamitin para sa Diyos, para tumulong at magmahal sa ibang tao.

It was backstage before the concert, and we were hurrying: some didn’t have their costume and make-up on yet, and we started fixing up pretty late. Some problems cropped up at the last minute, and I even had to lend my phone to some people so they could make calls.

Hakeem gave my phone back to me, and I wanted to throw it to my bag but I couldn’t seem to remember where I put it. I even dropped it once while I was giving Jeson, the violinist, some pointers on his legato. But for some reason it stayed with me, even though I had nothing to do with it: I had already called my parents, and I was too busy fixing up the girls’ hair.

And then my phone rang its clanging, light tone, for text messages. I looked down and I saw your name. My heart soared and my lips curled up into a smile and I kept thinking how you would always come for me at the right moment. It wasn’t really special or personal, but as far as messages go, when the case is like ours, of distant hopes and miles in between, and when you hadn’t texted me in a really long while, it meant everything to me.

And it was truly the right moment: I had lost sight of how much I adored you in the light of someone trying to take your place, who I cannot find myself giving my heart to, not like I have to you. I needed inspiration to sing in front of that crowd, and you popped up to remind me that I could just think about you and my heart would speak only of the truth. I had been waiting for you all this time, and you came just at the right moment, as always.

:)